32: Trust

Adult situations. Adult language.

Nathaniel suddenly and almost roughly pulled up and off Gabriella's dress as the two of them entered his bedroom.

"Nate, wait!" Gabby breathed.

"No." Nate growled.

"Nate, please. You're scaring me!"

"And I wondered. I wondered how it was you were still single and still a virgin. Now I'm beginning to understand." he said harshly as he glared down at her.

Gabriella gasped as the shock and hurt from what he just said coursed through her veins. She knew that by some people's standards, her status was overly old-fashioned, but she'd tried not to make herself feel insecure or bad about it. Now that she heard Nate himself rebuke her for how she was, the pain crept in and set up house inside of her, there to stay.

Shit, Nate thought to himself as he felt Gabby's pain... pain he'd inflicted. He stood there and watched the tears run down her face, and the guilt he suffered ate at him. He allowed her to break free, but he caught her before she could walk too far away from him. She unconsciously folded her arms around her torso in an effort to mentally protect herself.

"Gabriella, I..."

She threw up her hand to stop him and said, "No. Don't apologize. You said it because you meant it. Don't try to take it back. You're right. You're absolutely right. There's a reason I've stayed single and a ... virgin, and you guessed it I'm sure. I push men away. Drive them off more like it." She felt extremely uncomfortable talking about her insecurities with the man she loved. "I wish I didn't, yet I keep doing it."

Every cell in his being screamed at Nate to pull her to him and just kiss away her anxiety, but he didn't think that's what she needed at the moment. All the same, he couldn't prevent himself from touching at least her shoulders as he asked, "The question is why?"

"I guess you weren't awake when I stood looking in the mirror last night, talking to myself. I think I may have hit on something. I remember clearly how hurt my father was by my mom."

"I hope you realize I wouldn't do that to you." he said, aching to kiss the back of her neck.

"I know, but to make myself sound like a shrink -- I have trust issues." she trembled a little as she felt his lips on the nape of her neck.

Nate circled his arms around her waist as he thought, Trust issues. No shit. Damn, this woman is aggravating, and I'm loving every minute of it. He couldn't keep from smiling at himself.

Gabriella tried to stand there and talk herself out of freaking out, but he kept distracting her. Feeling his hands on her bare skin as he moved them across her stomach made her close her eyes and just forget whatever it was she was trying to think for a minute.

Feeling her tiny submission, Nate held her tightly up against him. He couldn't decide if at that moment he should turn her around to kiss her throat then her lips or keep doing what he was doing while enjoying the view. He decided on the latter, mostly so he could talk to her at the same time.

"Gabriella," he said, "you know you can trust me."

"I know." she quickly replied even though she could tell he wasn't finished.

Nate roughly exhaled and watched as goosebumps appeared on Gabby's skin. "Do you?" he asked. "Then what else is it? Why are you so terrified?" he asked because he couldn't understand the emotions going through her at that moment.

"I can't" was all she could say.

"Can't what?" he asked as he moved from her neck to her shoulder. The sight of her drove him wild, and he could only just barely rein in the desire flowing through him. He had to close his eyes a moment before he scared her even further. She'd started hyperventilating, and watching her would totally distract him from their conversation.

"I can't talk about it." she clarified and placed her hands on top of his in an effort to halt their movement. It didn't work.

"Are you afraid of me?" he asked, and immediately he felt hurt that yes, she did fear him a little. As she stammered around, trying to find a way to answer him, he asked, "What about me are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of what you do to me. Of what you could do to me." she said aloud. Then she thought to him her fear of the actual deed, and the fear that he'd bite her. Please don't laugh.

"Why would I laugh?" he asked as he simply wrapped his arms around her. "And no, I'm not going to bite you." he said and then smiled a tiny bit. "Unless you want me to."

This made Gabby's knees just about give out on her. Damn it if the thought of that didn't turn her on! She regained control over her shaking limbs and turned around to face him.

His aggravated look bothered her. She wanted to just wipe it off of his face.

"I love you. I'm sorry for being afraid. Thank you for not laughing. I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through." she said softly and lightly kissed him.

Nate closed his eyes as her fingertips attempted to erase the scowl on his features. Damn it if this woman knew his weakness for what she was doing! His fragile hold on his self-control shattered.

In two seconds, he had Gabriella underneath him on his bed.

"Putting me through what?" he asked facetiously as he felt Gabriella's alarm. He merely followed her as she tried to back away from him.

Gabriella felt her knuckles graze the headboard and her other hand landed on the bedside table as Nate found her lips with his. He was coming on way too strong. She couldn't stop the frantic rate of her heart as she felt she'd backed up as far as she could go without falling into the space between the bed and the bedside table.

Nate was determined. She had nowhere to go. Her continued fear bothered him, but he kept the kiss going, hoping that she'd get over it. He knew he was pushing too hard, but he'd been pushed to his limit. In her thoughts, she repeatedly told him to stop. He grasped her hips and pulled her down and directly underneath him again.

I don't even have my clothes off yet, Gabriella. Calm down, would you? he thought to himself. Aggravated that she still wouldn't get rid of the terror running through her, and in fact, she was now so afraid she was about to break down crying. Frustrated, he pushed himself up to look down at her.

"Don't you know I love you, and I'd not in a million years hurt you?" he asked down at her. The fear in her eyes tore at him.

"I know that, but it doesn't stop me from being afraid." she replied with a slight hitch in her voice.

His heart wrenched itself in his chest as he took in the situation from her perspective. He'd done nothing wrong, but she was so terrified of physical intimacy that he knew he couldn't help her get over her fear in just one night. Or morning.... the sun was beginning to think about waking up.

Gabriella felt her heart pounding in her chest as Nate leaned down and kissed her with so much tenderness and compassion that she finally started to relax. Oh, she was still afraid, but the more Nate took the pressure off of her, the more relaxed she became.

When he pushed himself up again, she opened her eyes to see his emerald orbs gazing down at her with this look of resignation on his face.

Nate supported himself on one arm for a moment as he moved some of her hair out of her face and stroked her cheek. He sighed as he thought, baby steps. He pondered what he was going to say to her since she wondered what he was going to do next.

Parts of him screamed in agony as he told her, "I love you so much. I can't do this until you're ready, and you're obviously not ready." He heard her breathe a small sigh of relief before he continued, "But that doesn't mean that I don't want you like mad. It's going to happen. I'm not going to stop pushing you, but I'm not about to force you into anything." His eyes roved over her face as he felt her go numb with shock. "Just, please help me help you conquer your fears."

Gabriella hated herself for the pained expression on Nathaniel's face at the moment, but she knew she couldn't bring herself to give in. Plus, she was mentally and physically exhausted.

"Let's just lay here and take a nap, okay? I can tell you're tired, and I am too." He tenderly kissed her nose and said, "But one thing, though..."

"What?"

"That bedroom upstairs is no longer yours. I want you to sleep here now. I hope that's okay."

That's a small concession I'm willing to give, she thought. Aloud, she said, "Okay."

He kissed her once more and said simply, "Good. Thank you."

He refused to let her sleep anywhere but in his arms. Happily for him, that's exactly where Gabriella wanted to be. They soon fell fast asleep.

Helen Stone stood somewhat near the doorway and waited for Nathaniel. He was supposed to have come home for leave earlier today. They'd agreed in their letters to just go to the ball with their families and meet at the ball itself. He was taking longer than she expected him to.

Where is he? she thought to herself. Most of the other families were already there.

Then she spied what looked like the Hamilton's carriage pulling up from her vantage point at a higher window. She felt her face break into a huge grin, but then she forced herself to calm down. It wouldn't do to look desperate for him, even if she was.

She turned around and leaned against the wall next to the window. Her skirt billowed out around her feet so that she couldn't see her new dance slippers her father had bought her especially for this Christmas ball.

"There you are!" she heard as Nathaniel approached her. "Justin said you were up here."

Suddenly she found herself being swung around in a circle in Nate's strong arms. She remembered teasing him on his last leave about how vain he'd become about his new physique.

Her memories got interrupted when she felt his lips upon hers.

She gasped and jerked back as she harshly whispered, "Not in public! What are you thinking?"

He laughed a little louder than she liked and replied, "I'm thinking I'm happy to see you and I don't care who sees." With that, he stole another kiss.

She lightly hit him on his arm in an effort to get him too cool it when really she would have liked to drag him off to some secluded corner and have the reunion they really needed.

"Let's go find somewhere more private." he mumbled low into her ear, giving her goosebumps and causing her to wonder yet again if he could read her mind.

She was grateful for all the noise around them so no one could hear her agree with his suggestion.

They found an abandoned bedroom and Nate wasted no more time as his lips hungrily claimed hers. Helen wished they'd not found a bedroom as their hiding place because she knew the sight of the bed must be as distracting to him as it was to her.

As he worked his way down her neck, she asked, "Nate, when is this war going to end? It's been going for three years now, and I hate it."

He mumbled into her neck his reply, "It'll end when it ends. Don't worry, my love, we're winning. I for one am just thrilled I got leave for Christmas. Damn it, I've missed you. It gets way too damn cold up there at night and sometimes we're even denied the luxury of a fire. So," he chuckled, "I just think of you and that keeps me very warm indeed."

Her shocked sound got swallowed by his next kiss.

"Mm, Helen, we could go get married right this second, tonight, if you want to. The parson is right downstairs and I'm sure our families wouldn't mind..." He left his suggestion hanging in the cool air around them as he traveled to her chest.

"I told you, I want the big wedding, not some fly-by-night affair. And I have to have something to make you all the more eager to come home to me."

"I wouldn't be eager to come home to my wife? Maybe even my child?" he asked. "Quick weddings are the thing to do nowadays." He groaned and continued, "And Helen, I have to have you."

Just then, the door to the room they were in burst open and in walked one of Nate's sisters with a young man in tow. She giggled as she saw Nate and Helen.

"Bethany, what do you think you're doing? And Thomas, you'd better leave this instant before your face and my fist get better acquainted." Nate growled to the two of them.

"Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say, brother? You can't fault us for wanting to do what you two are already doing." Bethany retorted.

"Beth!" Nathaniel barked.

"Nate!" she yelled right back at him.

Poor Thomas looked like he wanted to fade into obscurity.

"Let's..." Helen began, "Let's just all go and join the couples on the dance floor and agree to keep quiet about this, okay?"

Nate scowled as Helen led the troupe to the ballroom.

They danced a few dances together before Nate went to go dance once with his sister.

Thomas chose that moment to thank her for stopping Nate from pounding him. Then he asked her to dance. Being nineteen, Helen felt a little silly dancing with a fifteen-year-old, but she agreed to anyway.

At the end of the dance, Nate gave him a dubious stare before the boy scampered off.

A waltz started up as Nate took her in his arms. She looked up at him and said, "You really shouldn't be so hard on him. He loves her."

"He's fifteen!"

"Yes, almost the age you asked me to marry you."

"Helen, please. We can have a party later and get married now." he begged.

Helen just looked up at him through her long eyelashes.

The dream shifted to another familiar scene, but this one felt less joyful.

"Must you go?" Helen asked Nate. "I hate it when you leave."

"I do too, but I must. Promise me that next time I'm home you'll marry me."

She quietly nodded her head and couldn't stop her tears as they coursed down her face.

"Promise me you'll come home. I live in fear I'll see your name in the paper in the list of those lost." she cried.

"I promise. Trust me, I'm not in as much danger as others. I'll come home. You'll marry me, and we'll get started right away at making little Hamilton babies." he chuckled to himself.

His horse was brought up to him. He mounted it and leaned over to kiss her as she stood nearby.

"I trust you. I love you." she said.

"I love you. Trust me, I'll be back." he said before he kicked his horse's flanks and thundered away.

Helen couldn't stop crying as she raced to the top of a small hill to watch as he disappeared over the horizon. She only just barely made it before he vanished. Her skirts had given her trouble again.

She fell to her knees on the cold earth as she cried into her hands.

"Gabriella, wake up!" Nate urged as he lightly shook her awake. She'd been crying in her sleep.

Her eyes opened and she threw her arms around him. She trembled as the memory of the dream haunted her.

Nathaniel gasped at her recollections. Gone was the suspicion that Gabby had gotten the mental picture of the house he grew up in from their strange connection. That's not from reading my mind .... That's from Helen's mind!

"Gabby, what does this mean?" He pulled her back and looked at her, wide-eyed, trying to stop the hope before it could take root.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you, Karima, for all your help with the ballroom/hallway scenes. I hope you liked your dress. :)

Thank you also to strelitzia19 for Naomi Kyle (Bethany) and Claude Clementine (Thomas). I only gave them minor alterations to suit the time period and situation, but they're fabulous sims.

Also, thanks to tommiegirl_ca for putting Luke and Brad on the exchange because I've just loved them in everything.