9: On/Off Switch

Warning: Adult language

"I don't know what I was thinking thinking you could ever mean anything to me like you seemed to in the vision." Nate's words echoed in Gabriella's head over and over again like some sick, sadistic broken record.

Mean anything to him? Mean anything to him. 

That's not what I was after. Is that what was happening?

I was just happy to have found someone that really understood the torture these visions give me. I hated that he was somehow forced into it, but well, I felt less alone. Now I've gone and told him I wish I'd never met him... well, in so many words anyway.

That's not what I meant. It's not him that bothers me. It's the vision with him in it that bothers me, and the two happened simultaneously.

 "mean anything to me like you seemed to in the vision."

Is that? Gabby had a strange, jittery feeling just behind her navel. Was I starting to mean something to him? He's right about how he acted in the vision. I hadn't really, really thought about it. He's right, I was only thinking about what it had to with me.

I hate thinking of that vision. Why must I?

Is he listening in right now? Damn it all to hell, I can't even think in private any more. Fine then, listen in. I must sort all this out.

"mean anything to me"

 What about right now? I'm terrified. Terrified I do 'mean something to him', or at least, I'm starting to. I wish I could read his mind.

"I don't know what I was thinking..." He was thinking it.

Gabby thought back to earlier today in the late afternoon when Nate came by to comfort her after her vision about Caitlin. He was so... Oh, but honestly, it's been two days!

Wow, how much can a person's life change in so short a space of time?

I have butterflies? No. No way.

But...

Oh, I can't even think about this right now!

But it's still going to happen.

This is the hardest one for me to accept ever.

Well, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

But that doesn't mean I have to encourage or force anything to happen!

Why should I go chasing after him? He's the one that ran off.

Okay, so I hurt his feelings. Again, why should I care? 

Do I care?

 If I didn't care then I wouldn't be standing here doing some crazy-woman internal monologue thing.

I will not be guided by the vision. Why can't I just have it happen on its own? 

I don't want to fall in love simply because it's what's supposed to happen! Is that too much to ask?

 Nate burst into the living room. August barely glanced up from his book. He could recognize Nate was in a sour mood, brooding. He didn't feel like dragging it out of him just yet. He was still too mad about the two of them looking at him like he was some criminal.

Nate growled and started slamming down on the keys of the piano with such force they were in danger of breaking.

She is

without a doubt

the most infuriating woman on the planet!

One minute she's throwing her arms around my neck and the next she's saying she wished she'd never met me. What am I supposed to make of that? I was only trying to make her feel better! And this is what I get for it.

"I want you to leave me alone!" she said. 

 Well, fine. I will.

"I felt less alone." Nate hears Gabby think and immediately gets the hang of putting up a mental block.

Amazing! Clearing my mind actually worked! As long as I didn't think about clearing my mind. So, I just feel like I'm taking a mental breath of fresh air. Can I turn off the block now?

"Is he listening in right now? Damn it all to hell, I can't even think in private any more." He heard her think, then immediately blocked her.

Alright, Gabby. If that's the way you wanna play it, I'll leave you alone. Things'll just go back to how they were a couple days ago.

Doesn't matter that I was going to ask you out anyway before you had that damn vision.

Nate slams his hands on the piano keys and gets up to stomp to his room.

What are you doing right now? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean I wished I'd never met you. I meant I wished I'd never have had that vision at the time I met you. Come over. We'll maybe sort this out?

Gabriella stood at the window, watching and waiting.

Silence answered her thoughts.

I know you can hear me, Nate.

Silence.

Fine then! Be Mr. Stubborn! I'm not going to that house if he's there! she thought, thinking of Gus.

Alright, fine. It's late. I get it. I suppose this can rest until tomorrow.

Boy, do I feel pathetic. There I was. Asking you to come over. And you're going to give me the silent treatment. I'm ready to apologize.

Okay, so this is my punishment. Fine!

 One AM. I'm going to be so exhausted tomorrow.

 There is nothing more mind-numbing than video games. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

I must say, this is one good thing about this age. 

 The problem is I can't do it all the time he thought to himself as he threw himself down on the small couch in his room. Memories of the past few days came unbidden into his thoughts.

Perfect he thought sarcastically. I block her out and then can't stop thinking about her.

Oh. Nice. Let me just torture myself with the memory of her in the shower. Thanks, brain.

 This sucks!

I. Fucking. Miss. Her. Already. he thought as he stabbed the fire with the poker.

I liked hearing her in my head after all. 

But she doesn't want me to.

Well... she doesn't know I can block her.

Nate experimented again with his 'mental on/off switch' as he was starting to think of it.

She's asleep. Hm. Two AM.

 She doesn't want what's going to happen to happen is what's she was thinking. Is it just what I'm supposedly going to try to do to her or just me?

I'd like to think it's not me. I keep getting these mixed signals. One minute she throws her arms around my neck then the next tells me to leave her alone.

 Alright, Gabriella. You figure out what it is you want. I'll try my best to leave you alone he thought before falling asleep fully clothed with the lamp still on.